Joke Time

[tennhound]

Mixed marriages
>>
>>
>>A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily
>>ever
>>after in London. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in
>>English,
>>but did manage to communicate with her Husband. The real problem
>>arose
>>whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the
>>butcher
>>and wanted to buy Chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward
>>her
>>request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken And lifted up
>>her skirt
>>to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the
>>Chicken
>>legs. The next Day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she
>>didn't
>>know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and
>>unbuttoned her
>>blouse to show the Butcher her breasts! The butcher understood
>>again, and
>>gave her some chicken Breasts. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed
>>to buy
>>sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought
>>her
>>husband to The store... > > > > > > > (Please scroll down)
>>
>>
>>What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
>>Now get
>>back to work.

[triumph1921]

Romantic 1st lines...and deadly 2nd ones



I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

[Del]

Two discus in a Tank

One says to the other

"do you know how to drive this thing?"

DEL

[SandyLynne]

VERY FUNNY!!!


Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indians are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those charos!



CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.



CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[SandyLynne]

What Starts with F and Ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her

students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the

3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd

grade too!

> >> >>> >>>

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the

principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.Brooks he

would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions

he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and

he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader

should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think

Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a

cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, Oval, delicious

and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the

answer,

Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting

down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands.

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a

lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

[mistakes r crucial]

Airline quotes - the last one is a ripper!


1. On a Southwest flight, (SW has no assigned seating so you just
sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time
choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not
picking out furniture here, just find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the flight attendant said, "Please be sure to take
all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. This was announced by a new Delta flight attendant: "Thank you
for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

5. As this same plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

6. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

7. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt, and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

8. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure," proclaimed an
American Airlines flight attendant, "masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your own mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."

9. Just before take-off, a flight attendant stated to the
passengers, "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."

10. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings," it was announced. "Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."

11. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

12. Heard on the intercom on Southwest Airlines just after a very
hard landing in Salt Lake City: "That was quite a bump, and I know
what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."

13. On an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day, the captain was really having to
fight it during the final approach. After an extremely hard landing,
the flight attendant proclaimed, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

14. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing was: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

15. One airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door after landing while the passengers exited, and to
smile and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." On one
particular flight, in light of a bad landing, this man had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Everything went well until the last passenger to
deplane, a little old lady, asked, "Tell me, did we land, or were we
shot down?"

16. Heard from an attendant on a Southwest Airline flight: "Ladies
and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this
airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

17. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made the usual announcement
over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen,welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. So sit back
and relax .... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes,
the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you,
the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach
yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

HOPE THIS GAVE YOU A SMILE ~ HAVE A NICE DAY,
AND ENJOY YOUR NEXT FLIGHT, WHENEVER IT MAY BE !!!

[mistakes r crucial]

Airline quotes - the last one is a ripper!


1. On a Southwest flight, (SW has no assigned seating so you just
sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time
choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not
picking out furniture here, just find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the flight attendant said, "Please be sure to take
all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. This was announced by a new Delta flight attendant: "Thank you
for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

5. As this same plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

6. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

7. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt, and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

8. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure," proclaimed an
American Airlines flight attendant, "masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your own mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."

9. Just before take-off, a flight attendant stated to the
passengers, "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."

10. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings," it was announced. "Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."

11. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

12. Heard on the intercom on Southwest Airlines just after a very
hard landing in Salt Lake City: "That was quite a bump, and I know
what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."

13. On an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day, the captain was really having to
fight it during the final approach. After an extremely hard landing,
the flight attendant proclaimed, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

14. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing was: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

15. One airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door after landing while the passengers exited, and to
smile and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." On one
particular flight, in light of a bad landing, this man had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Everything went well until the last passenger to
deplane, a little old lady, asked, "Tell me, did we land, or were we
shot down?"

16. Heard from an attendant on a Southwest Airline flight: "Ladies
and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this
airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

17. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made the usual announcement
over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen,welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. So sit back
and relax .... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes,
the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you,
the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach
yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

HOPE THIS GAVE YOU A SMILE ~ HAVE A NICE DAY,
AND ENJOY YOUR NEXT FLIGHT, WHENEVER IT MAY BE !!!

[DiscusEden]

Silly Aussies

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which doesn't... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in KingsCross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

[JNS]

For the Lexophiles

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum
Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He would often have to break into song because he couldn't find the
key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. A short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
large

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye
!!!

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[sammigold]

^ Very Cool JNS!!!