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  1. #21
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:


    Please ponder-- and enjoy-- the following:


    1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

    2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

    3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

    4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

    6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

    7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

    9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

    10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

    11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

    12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

    13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

    14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

    15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

    16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

    17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

    18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

    19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

    20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER (OR ROOS – OR WOMBATS) TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

    21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

    22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

    23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

    24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

    25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

    26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

    27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

    28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

    29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

    30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

    31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

    32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

    33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

    34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

  2. #22
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party
    After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
    Those who remained talked about their kids.
    The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
    He studied Economics
    and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
    The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
    friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
    The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
    birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
    The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
    for?'
    One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'
    The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
    The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
    The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
    And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
    a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

  3. #23
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    It's the AFL Grand final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
    He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
    'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.' This is incredible', said the man.
    'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?'
    The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'
    'Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'
    The man shakes his head 'No, they're all at the funeral.'
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

  4. #24
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    The Blonde Mortican

    A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

    The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed? She points out, that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

    The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

    The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe, the suit fits him perfectly.

    She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her
    astonishment, the blonde mortican presents her with the blank cheque.

    'There's no charge,' she says.

    'No really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.' she says.

    'Honestly ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was bought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

    'So I just switched heads.'
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

  5. #25
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

    Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

    "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble
    these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

    He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a
    nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .... .......


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    "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

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