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Two hobo's are walking down the footpath one day, neither have eaten in a couple days, and both are starving. Ahead of them, lying on the ground, is a dead magpie with maggots crawling all over its badly decomposed body.
The hobos have a quick glance at the bird, then at each other. Without thinking twice, the hobo closest to the dead magpie makes a run for it, thats his meal! He notices that his friend (the other hobo) isnt chasing after him. Confused, he grabs the bird and starts shovling it into his mouth, feathers and all. As he finnished the magpie his friend (the other hobo) had caught up to him, and was looking at him licking his lips.
Now even more confused the hobo who had just eaten the bird, got up and they both kept walking. Moments later, he vommited all over the footpath. The other hobo looked at him vommiting and said "hmm just what I've been hanging out for, a hot meal!"
:P
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TOO GOOD TO MISS!!!!!
>
>for all boys who hate shopping!
>This is funny!
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping.
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford :
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you
and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his
antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by
our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me
alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in
the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.
>10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
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i like it mac keep them comeing
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Girls' Night Out
Two women are walking home after a girlie night out.
They are very drunk and as the walk home is taking some time due to their state they find themselves desperate for a wee.
At this moment they are passing a church and decide to relieve themselves behind the headstones in the graveyard.
As they finish they both realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and throw them away.
The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, but then she notices a new grave nearby with lots of new fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with thick soft ribbon.
'Just the job' she decides and without another thought duly pulls the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself.
Their task completed the women continue staggering home.
Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second.
" We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night!"
"You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her a**e that said, 'We'll never forget you' - From all the lads at the Fire Station"
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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I m sorry honey, I ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
-
On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished with her beauty. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now." The man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!
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>WIFE:
>What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
>
>HUSBAND:
>Definitely not!
>
>WIFE:
>Why not - don't you like being married?
>..................(pause)........................ ...
>HUSBAND:
>Of course I do.
>WIFE:
>Then why wouldn't you remarry?
>
>HUSBAND:
>Okay, I'd get married again.
>WIFE:
>You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
>
>HUSBAND:
>makes audible groan).
>
>WIFE:
>Would you live in our house?
>HUSBAND:
>Sure, it's a great house.
>WIFE:
>Would you sleep with her in our bed?
>
>HUSBAND:
>Where else would we sleep?
>WIFE:
>Would you let her drive my car?
>
>HUSBAND:
>Probably, it is almost new
>WIFE:
>Would you replace my pictures with hers?
>HUSBAND:
>That would seem like the proper thing to do.
>WIFE:
>Would she use my golf clubs?
>
>HUSBAND:
>No, she's left-handed.
>WIFE:
>- silence - -
>
>HUSBAND:
>S**T!
