tennhound
Wed Jan 25, 2006, 02:25 AM
Dear Staff:
Welcome back to the office. Please be advised that there are new rules
and
regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our agency.
ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we
see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may
buy
nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not
need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and
take
a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will
open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders"
category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You
should
not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something
removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and
input should be directed to the Unemployment Office.
Have a nice day.
Human Resources Dept.
Welcome back to the office. Please be advised that there are new rules
and
regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our agency.
ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we
see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may
buy
nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not
need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and
take
a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will
open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders"
category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You
should
not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something
removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and
input should be directed to the Unemployment Office.
Have a nice day.
Human Resources Dept.