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  1. #1
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    Know any good jokes?

    There are lots of great jokes on the internet at the moment. This one just tickled my funny bone.

    Do remember we are a family forum




    A woman brought a very limp duck into her Veterinary Surgeon.
    As she laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
    After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head and sadly said "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away"
    The distressed woman wailed "Are you sure"?
    "Yes I am sure your duck is dead", replied the Vet.
    "How can you be so sure" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything, he might just be in a coma, or something".
    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck - from top to bottom.
    He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
    The Vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
    A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table, and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, Miaowed softly and strolled out of the room.
    The Vet looked at the woman and said "I'm sorry, but as I said this is most definitely 100% certifiably a dead duck" The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150" she cried -
    "$150 just to tell me that my duck is dead?"
    The Vet shrugged, "I'm sorry, if you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now $150"
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

  2. #2
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.


    While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Ray and his wife Charlotte listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

    He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

    Ray leaned over, touched Charlotte's arm gently and whispered, 'It's White Wings Self Raising Flour, isn't it?'


    And thus began Ray's life of celibacy.
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

  3. #3
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    THIS IS TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!

    A 6- year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.
    The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

    'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'

    'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend 1 week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'

    'How about transportation?' the father asked.

    'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

    Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'

    'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

  4. #4
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    The difference between cats and dogs.....

    Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......


    8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
    9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
    12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
    5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
    6:00 pm - Oooh, Bath. Bummer.
    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

    Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary. ..


    Day 983 of my captivity.
    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

    They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Idiots.

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

    The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.................
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

  5. #5
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    A businessman, dissapointed in his career, decided to volunteer for the first brain transplant. A brilliant surgeon offered him a choice of three samples from his brain bank;

    One from a leading brain surgeon at $1000,
    one from a leading research scientist at $1000
    and one from a retired politician for $5000.

    He enquired why the last one was so much dearer. Well "It's never been used," said the brain surgeon.!!
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

  6. #6
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    Paddy tells Mick
    He's thinking of buying a dog, a labrador.

    Bugga off say's Mick, are you mad!!!!
    have you seen how many of their owners go blind.
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

  7. #7
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher
    baptising people in the river.


    He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

    The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

    'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

    The drunk shouts, 'Yes, OI am.'


    So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.


    He pulls him up and asks the drunk,'Brother have you found Jesus?'

    The drunk replies, 'No, OI haven't found Jesus.'

    The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

    He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

    The drunk again answers, 'No, OI I haven't found Jesus.'

    By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---

    But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk,
    'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'




    (Are you ready for this????)











    The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

    'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

  8. #8
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
    10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

    9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television!)

    8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

    7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

    6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

    5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbirth.

    4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

    3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

    2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

    1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

  9. #9
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    Navy blues
    Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”

    The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

    Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

    “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

    Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

    There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

  10. #10
    Eternal Moderator Merrilyn's Avatar
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    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:



    Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?




    Your last name stays put.


    The garage is all yours.


    Wedding plans take care of themselves.


    Chocolate is just anothersnack.



    You can be President.



    You can never be pregnant.



    You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.



    You can wear NO shirt to a water park.



    Car mechanics tell you the truth.



    The world is your urinal.You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because thisone is just too icky.


    You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.


    Same work, more pay.


    Wrinkles add character.



    Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.



    People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.



    New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.



    One mood all the time.


    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.



    You know stuff about tanks.


    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.



    You can open all your own jars.



    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


    If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.


    Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.




    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.



    You almost never have strap problems in public.


    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.


    Everything on your face stays its original color.



    The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.


    You only have to shave your face and neck.


    You can play with toys all your life.





    One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.


    You can wearshorts no matter how your legs look.



    You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.


    You havefreedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.


    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.



    No wonder men are happier.
    Thirty-five years keeping and breeding discus, and I'm still learning :P

    Merrilyn has passed, but will not be forgotten - Goodbye dear friend

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