Jokes

[DiscusWidow]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,

what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !" We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quite bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.


She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...


On the couch...


Naked.

[DiscusWidow]

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well," she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won,so bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again,so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari. "How could you afford that car?" her husband asks. You guessed it, Her share of the lotto winnings!

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug. What's this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!"

[DiscusWidow]

Not a joke but this is great...

Quotes to make your day!!!!!!!!!!

*Don't compare yourself with anyone in this world. If you do so, you are insulting yourself!
* You are not responsible for what people think about you. But you are responsible for what you give them to think about you.
*A man is lucky if he is the first love of a Woman. A woman is lucky if she is the last love of a man.
*Write your Sad times in Sand, Write your Good times in Stone. *Behind every successful man, there is an untold pain in his heart.
*Without your involvement you can't succeed. With your involvement you can't fail.
*You may get delayed to reach your targets, but every step you take towards your target is equal to victory.
*Love your job but don't love your company as you may not know when the company stops loving you.
*It's better to loose your ego to the one you love, than loose the one you love to your ego.
*Dont make promises when you are in joy.
*Dont reply when you are sad.
*Dont make decisions when you're angry.

[Xtreme]

It's the NRL football Grand final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man.
"Who in their right mind would Have a seat like this for NRL Grand final and not use it?"
The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first NRL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

[Xtreme]

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"

[DiscusWidow]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.The interviewer asks him, " Have you been in the service?"Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years"The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."The interviewer tells the guy, " O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M. "The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M. ?""This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[DiscusWidow]

YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!


YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH


This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5


4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 ....
If you haven't, add 1756.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.


You should have a three digit number


The first digit of this was your original number
(I.e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

[DiscusWidow]

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his DrinkingBuddy, Mick.He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to theirupstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around And he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocketbroke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and lookedin the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut And bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids And Began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he Saw Blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box andShuffled And stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his Head And butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?" Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, it could be The broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,It could be the Drops of blood trailing through the house,It could be your Bloodshot Eyes, But mostly....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

[Merrilyn]

Love your jokes Deb

[DiscusWidow]

Thanks Mez...