Jokes

[Proteus]

A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage,


"Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage answers, "Yes."

The robber promptly shoots him in the head.

He then asks the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did."

[scott bowler]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5. 0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[ILLUSN]

Hot Lingerie 7.7

thats the ticket, works every time LOL

[scott bowler]

"DON'T FART IN BED"

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know
and
I'll pray for you!!!
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every
morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
was
making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned
that
one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner
and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she
had
put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and the spare parts
and
a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs
where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed
covers, she pulled back the elastic waist band of his underpants and
emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she
had
got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood
stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip
she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and
I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got
most of them back in!!!

[DiscusEden]

Lol! Good one!

[Xtreme]

that is pure gold lol

[Xtreme]

The Australian Army


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, or eggs ta get or feed to stack - nothin'!! But ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even some soap and a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city kids are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - strewth... its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - but it's OK coz it's only one at a time like, it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes pulled me off and carried me to the boozer. He didn't come with us though, said somethin about sore mouth...

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.










Your loving daughter,


Sheila

LOL!

[DiscusEden]

One for Robdog:

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, " where have you been? "

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made," said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, " what is it ? "

It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, "For example

Nth America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Sth America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a Continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area

And Asked," what's that?"

"Ah", said God. "That's South Australia, the most glorious place on earth.There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and sportsmen

The people from South Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting in Queensland"

[Merrilyn]

Owwwwww that's hilarious.

Now to sit back and wait for the Queenslanders to squeal

How dare they make fun of our weather.