first funny of 2007

[fish_r]

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot
to her husband:

Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her
husband...
'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said.
'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I
would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her
birthday.

And on the day she finally got the beautiful present her
husband thoughtfully bought....

SCROLL DOWN

[scott bowler]

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local newspaper read:

'PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT'

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity

that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read:

'BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS'

This was too much for the bishop

so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN'

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,

so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

'NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10'

As a last resort the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey

and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

'NUN ANNOUNCES..HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE'

The bishop was buried the next day....

The moral of the story is...being concerned about public opinion

can bring you much grief and misery ...and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.....

Only worry about your own ASS, not someone else's.....

You'll be a lot happier and live longer.

[scott bowler]

Let this be a warning to you married men!!!





THE BROKEN LAWNMOWER


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then
went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I
handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is the husband.

--
Regards
Mr.Colin

[j.c fishfan]

How to Shower like a woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror- make mental note to do more sit ups/leg lifts etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, leg cloth, arm cloth, long loofah. wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash (I am currently trying to find where I can purchase this.)
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeeze off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way cover up any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing private parts and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those course bum hairs stuck to the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of the bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Jamie

[scott bowler]

hehe lol lol how true has the shake the willy at the wife on the way to the shower tonight lol

[j.c fishfan]

Dont know if this is suitable??

(Removed)


Cheers,

Jamie

(Admin Edit..........No Jamie, it isn't. Sorry.)

[Robdog]

I'd say that's pretty borderline for a "family" forum.
Funny but borderline.

[ILLUSN]

I thought all kids love tomato, lettuce and mayo?